#whatever i need to get back to my uni work
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A doodled idea of how The Barista might look based on our relatives appearance and color-scheme!
I probably used a reference but its been years since i drew this so i dont have the file anymore!
#Found this in my old computer files and i must've drawn it when i played the first coffee talk game for the first time!#I just think an obvious resemblance would be funny#and also i love his blue purple hair#kind of looks like i genderbent silver but nooo#Silver my father(?)#DID YOU FUCK MY MOM SILVER#Hes related but its unknown how id love to learn more tho#Coffee Talk#The Barista#Silver#When i get the time im redrawing this#god those brows and the asymetricalness of it all#whatever i need to get back to my uni work
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thought my school was finally going to try & help me next year but it sounds like theyre just trying to get me to act normal without actually helping
#idk it all sounds very familiar#i have to 'prove i can do things i dont want to do' and theyre going to help me 'fix my behaviour bc uni wont tolerate it'#but the behaviour they mean is just me being disabled#its about how i freeze up sometimes i think#and i cannot bring myself to do whatever im supposed to#sometimes i cant even move or speak#thats the behaviour they mean#but i cant just make that go away#ive been trying all my fucking life#also??? i go to school every fucking day?? does that not count as proving i can do things i dont want to do#surely they dont think i want to be there#idk man this is exactly the kinda stuff they said in primary school before they started punishing me for being disabled#like giving me extra work bc i froze or something#or send me away to work alone in a room & not talk to any of my peers bc i didnt manage to talk to the teacher#force me to make eyecontact for a full 10 minutes while giving me a lecture about why eyecontact is so important#or not allow me to go outside for breaks#that kinda stuff#it sounds like they have the same idea?#so im very worried about going back to school in september#they were supposed to attempt to help more this year as well but outside of one thing they didnt really do anything#and now they want to 'be more firm about it' ????#i dont trust that#mine#also !! ive been getting told all my life that whatever the next stage is they wont tolerate my behaviour there#in primary they said id never get past first year in secondary#in secondary they say i wont get through uni this way#seems to me that really its fine#yeah i need help sometimes#but also i could probably go to uni & itll be fine#ill have my diagnosis & ill figure out who i need to talk to & how i can get the help i need
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Just submitted a new patient request to Anchor Health. Cross your fingers for me, so I can get set up w/a doc I can stick with who can handle my T and PCP stuff and maybe even mental health stuff? (their website let me mark all three as things I wanted them to provide care for at least)
and the poor local PP can get back to trying to help others without me taking up any more of their scarce resources and staff
#text post#tbh they might say no#i do fall under the qualifying thing of I came from a state that's not safe for trans folks anymore#but I did note on my form that I've been here abt a year since they needed an address and I didn't want the CT address to be confusing#my concern is bc i've been in the state a year already that will disqualify me#told them too that I've been working with pp but need to find full time care for these things and would like to switch to them#they take medicaid plus offer rides to the clinics and i think telehealth too?#so for whatever can't be done via telehealth I could get a ride to the nearest clinic and back again#which frees me from having to try and budget for lyfts or for poor Housemate to have to work aer schedule around me needing rides#which reminds me i neeeeed to get my bloodwork done#idk if i can manage it today bc the doc messaging thing already has my brain even Louder than before (but it deeply needed doing)#but this week if the uni finally shoots me my latest paycheck I think i'll just take a lyft and either go to a blood draw clinic or call pp#and ask to have them do it and apologise for it taking so long to get it done#bc I can tell they're judging me for it and like. they're not wrong to#i really do want to get it done it's just been hard to coordinate around other stuff and yeah. blood draws usually suck for me so also#it's hard to make myself go do it even when something important to me depends upon it#im rambling too much again time to dip back to survey sites and maybe researching dentists for the fall for me and Housemate
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If you want to start your dream project just start now!! Draw 10 pages, a chapter, whatever. Have fun and, if you see that it's not working, you will have learnt, you will have had fun, you will be able to go back to it later with even more knowledge. No effort is wasted.
But I've also realized that sometimes we are convinced that if we don't work on something with marketable quality, it's no good, that we should aspire to do industry-quality stuff. Nothing is as freeing as realizing that that's not true and that you can just draw whatever the hell you want and work on your stories and characters however it brings you the most fun.
#psa#art#art stuff#art advice#writing#comics#?? dunno how to tag this i just feel like it's important#engagement and all that can kiss my ass honestly#you just need a few homies who are on board to lsiten to you ramble about your ocs at 1 am asjkflsajlkfaf#if you want to become popular or build an audience or have art be your job there's better stuff you can do#but as a hobby stressing over quality and finished stuff and all that jazz only held me back honestly#that's why working on the bunnys is so fun#i wanna work on some ref sheets and a document with the lore and stuff clearly explained so that people can know the basic stuff#but besides that? not having to worry about having the story be original and good enough to get an audience as a comic or whatever#is the best in the world#I judged FIVE's story so much due to me wanting it to find an audience and such#it stressed me out a lot#and having to do a page a week? on top of uni? fucking hell#their story deserves better than that. Than me judging it unfairly due to the possible audience it may not reach#just have fun#that's it
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okay google how do i move out of eastern europe but stay in the eu but go somewhere i speak the language but somewhere that has healthcare and somewhere where i dont need to become a construction worker and also somewhere that is not germany. thanks
#i wanna go to aotearoa I've always wanted to but it's so FAR AWAY. also i need somewhere cold also i#love authentic gothic buildings too much to leave europe. but omfggggg#like it's truly so. i dont want to move somewhere where english isnt a main language but the#uk is out and ireland is unlikely and canada is just somewhat nicer french usa and nz is 4 days travel away. blows up#whatever i have 4 semesters of uni left to think about it. it just feels like im#hurtling full speed at the inevitability of living the rest of my life in Germany#i dont want to live in germany idek why but im sooo. like omg nooo 😭😭😭#partly because it's such a cliché but also coz it's such a vacation country for me like we#went there for vacation like. unironically at least 3 times every single year#insert joke abt *getting back at the 10000000000 german tourists that come to hungary every day* that I'm too sleepy to make#it's so . like i used to have a specific goal in mind (uk ☹️) but then SOMEONE had to go and leave the eu#and also the uk sucks fat shit like csöbörből vödörbe omg. but now i have no#real goal so im just drifting w the vague knowledge that any second now I'll have to pack all my#shit up and escape before it's too late. but where 😀😀😀#i have no qualms abt leaving my f*mily behind but I'll miss budapest#and if i left Europe I'd miss it too especially coz even canada feels really far let alone nz which yknow. 3-4 days of travel#it's the lack of goals that's killing me like OMFGG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK HARD AND#STRIVE FOR SMTG WHEN I HAVE NOTHING SPECIFIC IN MIND...#i mean ''get the fuck out'' is something but it's not Enough. i need to be insane about a#place that's accessible. all the cities/locations im crazy about are inaccessible for one reason or another#bristol and wales are in the uk. nz is on the exact opposite side of the planet. life so sad.#canada is the most likely one honestly but like omgggg. godddddjfdnffnfjfmmf#they should invent a budapest that's not in hungary. they should invent a hungary that isn't comically awful#barking#ok to rb#eastern europe#like im fluent in 3 languages and i can get by in like 10 other ones i Could brush up on any language relatively quickly if it came to that#but it's like. 1. I'd have to pick a location 2. learning a new language also means#getting an entire new personality as well which yknow. idk if i have the capacity for another one rn#i should just become fluent in the ones im somewhat good at but idk which to pick
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Guess who's spending Eid away from home again next year lol
#me bitch#i havent went home for eid for 2 years and if you count next year then make it 3#so fyi first day of eid is estimated to be on the 10 of april 2024 which is Wednesday#so my classmates estimate that the classes on monday and tuesday will be online so they started to buy the tickets on Friday (5/4)#or during the weekend basically because yknow festive season = expensive tickets#and i told it to my friend and she chekced the ticket to go to kl and its only 200+ (official app) or 100+ (travel company) on 6/4 at 5am#so she asked me if i want to buy it so we can share transport to airport together and be in the same flight#so i called mom just now but since i need to take the transit to ny hometown it racks up to rm800+ 💀#totalled with the flights back to uni on sunday (14/4) it will be up to rm1600+ 💀#mom sound sorry and even said she can pay if i really want to go back home#but yknow i dont want to burden my parents more (they are the one who usually pay for my flights anyway)#and my friend who lives in the same state as me also doesnt seem to be able to afford the expensive tickets too#so its just me and her in the perantauan again ig lol#but my friend who lives here said to just celebrate eid with her and we can sleep in her room 😂#tbh i dont really mind not going back because as i get older the excitement for eid lessen idk#but i kinda miss the bersalam on the morning of eid with my family so yeah#and if i were to graduate and start working which i cant imagine ngl then i wont be home much anyway#whatever at least i get to fast at home for a week so theres still some W to celebrate#personal.txt
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#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me#bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer#and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on !#unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. '#and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out#and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like#' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that#but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to???#and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand??#also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me '#or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever#and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance#which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away#like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!!#oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2#or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too '#and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs?#or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours#anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie?#so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again!#i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me#and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening????#anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me
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#sorry i need to vent ignore this#my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit#bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer#and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted#but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but#now i hate it again i hate it so much#ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN#and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but#i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers#but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but#it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression#like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be#in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly#to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and#i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn#im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now#i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it#clara tais toi#like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO#preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and#the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like#it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted#dl later
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my family . i love them . but good god .
#I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I MOVED OUT FOR A REASON AND THE REASON WAS NOT SO THAT THEY COULD COME VISIT ME IN MY UNI CITY#it's fine i'm normal and kind and a good child and sister .#i'm also going to kms if they try to get me to take time off work for them#after fucking being on my ass the entire fucking year about getting a job and how i needed a job and how i should be employed#i just want to live my lifeeeeeeeeeee i want to be free i want to not be asked by my dad at 11.45pm why i'm up because it's late#i feel like i'm losing my actual mind but ykw it's ok and i know it's okay because this time next week i will be back in my uni city#i understand that my parents try and i understand that my sister is 15 but i cannot be everything they want me to be and i cannot#deal with them hanging over me at every second i can't do it#and i need to get over myself i need to let my entire past go and just move on with my life#but it's like i was so so sick the other week and literally both my parents and my younger sister were all on me for things they#needed me to do and i was fully in a different country . completely . a different country where i live out of home btw#and i get i get that family is important and we need to have each others backs or whatever the fuck BUT THEY KNEW I WAS SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#what about having my back........... anyway i'm not bitter .#i do need to just let it all go though bc it's just how it is and there are many worse situations to be in and i am very grateful for my#life so it's all fine . i just feel suffocated . but it's ok because soon i will be in a different country to them again and they will not#know where i am and i will be living my life <333333
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Wow this really was terrible. I think I'll stay in university as compared to work it seems actually quite nice (:
#this is exactly what i wanted from this dumb job decision btw#i wanted it to be a counterpart to university so that i could distract myself from university with work and vice versa#like 'ah i hate my job. guess uni isn't so bad' and 'fuck i hate university i prefer working' are great mindsets to even each other out#let's be real i hate both#and i don't think I'll ever be satisfied with anything i do#so it's not like i have the option between something i like and something i don't like#it's always gonna be a choice between two or more evils and i just have to find the one thing#that i hate the least#but also i have to accept that there's parts of everything that I'll hate at least as much as university#if not more#and today was certainly a day that sucked so bad it made university seem almost attractive#but i know i'll hate every second of the rest of my degree no matter how bad work is#whatever#I'll quit working for today#I have 10 hours of overtime this week#overtime i do Not get paid for nor can i even it out with free time officially#(inofficially however i will be working a lot less the next few weeks. like at least 2-3 hours less per week until#I've gotten back to zero overtime)#there still needs to be done so much on monday but i think my brain already quit a few hours ago#anyway I'll go read a book now (an actual work of fiction. for fun. a new little challenge for myself ♡)#(i also ordered a bunch of books i wanna read. most of them from japanese and korean authors so if i like the korean ones#I'll get the original(s) and have some fun with practicing korean hehe)#void screams
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setting up a linkedin for job searching and connecting with my high school friends and seeing them married and in good paying jobs really hits home just how many years ive lost to mental illness and physical disability
#all of 2016-2020#then i managed to get therapy and meds and diagnosed and i was on track for uni and graduate last year and get a job and then#new government guts and destroys the specific govt sector i was planning on working in (media)#and my health takes a bad turn in may leaving me in constant pain only for both of those to contribute to my contract being cancelled#and now im stuck at home. trying to keep busy by keeping my parents house clean and helping with the move#participating in hobbies and reading and losing the weight ive gained these last 2 years#and i feel so guilty because the healthcare i need isnt cheap. its been thousands of dollars already. before i was contributing my paychec#now im scrabbling to find jobs when the whole city is in a decline. shops and cafes/restaurants are shutting for good#govt agencies from health to education are cutting hundreds of employees each and theyve all undergone job freezes#i dont have the money to go back to studying and refocus on a career path that will work out#the media jobs and policy jobs arent here. everyones being forced to stop working from home as of this week by announcement of the pm#if i want to be hired in my field i have to move to another country. and i dont have the money for that. im stuck in bed#every day for a third/half of that day waiting for my codeine to kick in#perpetually exhausted because whatever's happening to me is giving me constant fatigue#im just so tired.
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god okay I'm gonna go back to taking it at 7am I can't start every morning feeling this shite
#not just mood im feelinf rly nauseous :-(#and its just so fucking hard titrating this shit alone like its such a rollercoaster. physically and mentally#im so tired. if the booster shit doesnt work next week ill probably just stop. ik itll be a pain if i want to get back on the titration#waitlist and i should use every week of the 12 ive got to try everything but i dont know if i can keep doing this without support#and i have a full time job man. like if i was unemployed or it was the summer break from uni then it wouldnt be such a problem#but i need to be able to hold myself together enough to work while im going thru all this and i cant do it by myself its too much#i wish i could actually like. talk to my dr face to face or videocall i hate only communicating via email for this#its so distant and cold. like i have to type all the bad shit ive been experiencing into a box and she marks it as read and thats that#just want one person to actually care. in a way that i can recognise. but i guess thats too much to want and im looking in the wrong place#sorry for patheticposting from work its rumination thursday. whatever ive gotta do to make it thru the next 7 hours innit 👍#.vent#.diaries
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#ive done gone and been silly goofy with the autism burn out again lads#need to reduce my hours at work NEED TO GET A FUCKING DIAGNOSIS need to learn to live with this fucking capitalist hellscape#i really really did genuinely want to make it in tomorrow (today (in 7 hours))#but i have so much Fucking Anxiety is cant Fucking Sleep which is gonna make me Not Able To Go In#ahshshjajajaaAAAAAAAA#i want to HOWL in the WOODS like a WOLF#anyway i dont have a solution for this#reducing my hours might help#but only temporarily while i dont have to pay rent#and it is looking like i am never going to be able to work more than part time without Constantly having breakdowns and panic attacks#so uhhhh lol how the fuck am i meant to live#i worked so fUcking hard for this fucking independence and to Not have to go back to my parents#i was couch surfing for FOUR MONTHS and nearly lost my mind and i still didnt go back there#but i have no idea what im gonna do when fox wants to move in with matt#and i wanted to go back to uni part time to do a masters in a subject id Actually fucking enjoy but that was only a feasible plan if#if i could work part time alongside it and I Dont Think I Can Do That#ive gotten better at knowing my limits and it sucks bc omg turns out i sure do have them!#turns out autism is actually a disability and not just a fun personality trait boooo#anyway uhhh okay google play heaven knows im miserable now by the smiths. whatever.#tag ramblings
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:^}
#nothing like talking to my mom to make me completely unravel and reconsider every one of my life choices 🫠#casual cry at work bc i dont know what to do with my life and i have no goals and i will never be well enough off to satisfy my mom looool#like i know shes scared bc we grew up super poor n she struggled to get where we are now massively but like#why do i need to make 200k to make her happy lol#like im making a decent salary at my full time job and i want to pursue more school so i can expand my horizons and look into diff careers#bc i find my job boring ! altho im very thankful for it !#but i dont wanna do this for the rest of my life !!!! id literally rather be dead than sit at a desk writing emails for 40 years !!!!!#i was talking to her about going back to my uni and making my minor into a major so i can get a secdon degree#since i already took the majority of the courses i can finish the second degree in 1 year ! i already planned out all the courses n stuff!#but shes like what do u want to do with that why are u wasting ur time doing things that wont put more money in ur pocket#im gonna be applying for my masters this year anyway so i was like might as well do something entertaining with the next year#get a degree out of it n all and then hopefully attend my masters program the next year ? like isnt that cool and impressive or whatever ?#its for my ego ! it makes me feel like im progressing rather than staying stagnant at my job i dont like !#but she just wants me to make more money lmao like i know moneys tight and its hard n everything#eugh#and shes like increasing the mortgage payments bc she qants to pay the house off asap but making our monthly bills cost more#so it always feels like were one step away from being in a hole we cant get ourselves out of#like why is my entire life focused on making money and supporting a famkly rn lmao im 25 and ive barely been able to live#i judt want to do soem things for myself ! make myself feel good about myself !!!#im sureounded by stem people with nice jobs and good degrees !! all these 22 year olds with masters under their belts and im stuck !!!!#boring and useless and havent lived up to any potential lol im so tired of my stupid inferiority complex i just want to feel like#an interesting and accomplished person like everyone expected me to be !!! especially myself !!!!#this fucking sucks#looking at law school applications again#might try to do an lsat in september or something ig#gommywords
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this last week has been the absolute Worst for me mentally and also made me feel like I'm despicable as a person and don't deserve anything nice and I'm not even that glad it's over for multiple reasons
#so the last half a year me and my friends were expecting to go to this animation festival in zagreb in june#we'd hoped our uni would sponsor us but that didn't work out#whatever#but another thing was that i am Not From Here and i need Visas to travel Virtually Anywhere in europe#and my passport had expired so i waited for 3 months to get a new one (thats how long it takes normally through the consulate of my country)#basically i got it like a week before the fest and the croatian embassy was booked til JULY. no visas for me.#plus i found out my id had expired too so i couldn't even get another Schengen visa or to go Anywhere At All before i renew it#which also takes a month and a half because foreign citizens don't deserve things done quickly i guess#so i didn't go and two of my friends went to the fest anyway#the festival week was absolutely excruciating to get through with constant reminders that they're there and im not#a wild mix of fomo and envy#and i obviously dont want to shit on my friends for sharing how the fest was going because i genuinely want to be happy for them#and they have all the rights to share and get positive feedback from people they love#but i cannot find enough virtue in me to support them in spite of my Unfortunate Situation and#i fully believe that im not a good friend or a good person in the first place because of that#they came back last night and i cant even respond to their “so sad its over” stories with genuine sympathy because im still#so fucking bitter. that i was not there with them. and they had fun. and i didnt.#why am i like this and how can i stop being so fucking disgusting at this point i doubt if i even deserve any friends#why cant i just be happy for them.#lets hope none of them see this#feel free to reply#lord knows i need any support i can get i am Not Well#vent#personal#ellis.txt
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#i’m so pissed off at my self rn#i forgot sthg for uni which isn’t a problem but it just frustrates me how forgetful i am. i don’t like it#and also. i wish i could just fucking move on. apparently i keep ranting about my first real crush from last year to random people when i’m#completely smashed. and i hadn’t remembered until my friends told me. and now i am so angry that i can’t seem to move past it when it’s not#going anywhere anytime soon#and i know it’s because i need closure but now fucking way am i gonna dare ask for it#and i just want my brain to stop telling me that it’s my person when i probably sort of idealized half of the shit we experienced#and it’s so frustrating bf also cause it feels sometimes like she feels sthg as well. i mean still now#(it’s clear we both felt sthg last year but didn’t really do anything about it cause we were leaving)#and then she just sort of disappears again. and i KNOW we have to talk about it someday but i can’t#not when we’re not even in the same city and we’ve only been around each other for like. 6 months#and most of all that since we left the place we were at there hasn’t been many contact between us#and it’s just so frustrating all over#i just wish i had the guts to just call her and then at one point be like ‘oh btw should we talk about whatever happened between us??#did you want us to develop sthg more back then#how do you feel now#but i just know i won’t and that pisses me off even more because i know how i work and i know i need it#but i have no fucking clue how to go about it now that we haven’t really spoken since we left#and also because most of the time it was when we were under influence that we dared getting closer to each other#and also. i so don’t want our friendship to suffer#because back then i feel like it would have suffered on the consequences. and that means i was scared we wouldn’t keep in touch#and now i just feel like it’s gonna make it weird and everything we loved is gonna be tainted if it goes badly. idk#i hate this
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